One year ago....

One year ago today, I was in the hospital in Gillette Wyoming. I had found out a few days before, on the 16th, that my little baby had died. So on the morning of the 19th, Brandon and I found ourselves at the hospital. I was to be induced to deliver our baby. It was a terrible time in our lives. A time I wish to never relive again. But after 2 days of being in labor, at 200 am, September 21st, 2009, I delivered a 9 oz 7 1/2 inch baby boy. The doctors didn't think I would be able to tell what the sex of the baby was, but I was farther along than previously thought, and my little Steven Alonzo Mitchell was perfect. I was thought to only be 17 weeks along, but he was so much more formed-I was at least 19 weeks. He was tiny, but he had 10 fingers and 10 toes. He had ears formed. His little eyelids were formed. He had a very distinct Mitchell nose. He had the distinct jaw line that Brandon and Weylon have. He was my son. He was perfect. I don't think a lot of people understand the sadness and pain I felt as a mother unless you have experienced the loss as I felt. When the nurses cleaned up his little body as best as they could and placed him in a blanket and in my arms, I loved him as much as I loved Savanna, Weylon and OakLeigh when they were placed in my arms. No matter what, I felt this little tiny guy kick and move. I heard his little heartbeat several times. I saw him moving in an ultrasound. He had his little legs crossed and was moving his hands back and forth. He had life. President Brigham Young said that once the mother feels life in her baby, then that means his spirit has entered into him. I believe that with all my heart. I also believe that one day, I will hold my angel in my arms. He is MY SON. And I love him. I know my Father in Heaven did not make me go through all this pain to not be with my Steven someday. I am so thankful that I was able to hold his little body and kiss him goodbye. Even though he may not have taken a breath on earth, he was my son. I love him as much as I love my other children. It hurts as much as it would any other way. But I know that the Lord's plan is perfect. I know that He is a just and merciful and loving Heavenly Father. I know I will be with my baby again. I accept my Father's will. I am thankful that I have MORE reason to try harder. I have MORE reason to give more. More reason to love more. More reason to try to live my life more Christ like. I hug my children a little closer. I have a different perspective on a lot of things in life. So I have my little angel to thank for that. Today, one year ago, I didn't know how I was going to get through this life. Now I know I have so much to look forward to. Even though it was the hardest thing I have ever had to face in my life so far, I believe there was a reason. I believe that in the end, it will all be o.k. Life does go on. I love being a mother. I love being a wife. I love my family. I'm ok. I have felt my Savior's love. I feel my Heavenly Father's love. I have felt His arms wrapped around me. I have felt the promptings that my son is o.k. I have felt so many prayers of family and friends. I am so thankful that families are eternal.