Motherhood

Well I can't believe that time has come again for Mother's day. It is in a few days and it always gets me thinking about my life as a mother, about my mother and all the influential mothers I have had in my life. (Too many to count or name...) All I ever wanted to be, growing up, was a momma. I would fantasize and dream about how wonderful it would be. About how I would be such a good mom. About how my kids would always behave. I would dream about how life would be "PERFECT"! The day I became a mother was the best day of my life. Next to the day Brandon sat across the alter from me and was sealed to me for time and eternity. But I was scared to death. I didn't get that handbook passed on from my mom or any other wonderful mom before me. Thankfully Savanna was a dream child. She hardly ever cried. She was a very content baby...most of the time. There were a few times that she would have an all out screamfest and I wouldn't know what to do. Those were the days I felt inadequate to be a mom. I remember when she was only a couple months old, Brandon's dad, Lon came to Casper and took us to a bluegrass music festival at the Casper events center. She did wonderful through out the entire day, until the end when we went to Applebees for dinner. She decided to start screaming and would NOT stop. She wouldn't nurse, she wouldn't go to sleep. Rocking didn't work. Bouncing didn't work. Soothing talking didn't work. I finally took her to the car and sat in there and cried with her. She had NEVER cried this way in the whole 2 or 3 months of her life and I was at a loss at what to do. She finally cried herself to sleep. And that was the ONLY screamfest she ever had. Other than times when she was sick, she was a very easy baby. Heck, she even potty trained herself. She just started going on the potty one day at about 17 months old. She was a talker, she was SO SMART! She even weaned herself from nursing. She was just done one day. She made me think, "oh yeah, I am doing such a good job as a mom. I rock..." Then I had Weylon. He was a screamer from day one. He screamed the second we put him in his carseat from the hospital. And he never stopped! He had times he was really happy, but he mostly screamed. I think for his first 14 months of his life he screamed. And he never slept. We would get him to sleep, he would get maybe an hour in (at night) and would wake up and scream. I kept thinking something was wrong with him. That he was hurting somehow. I kept wondering where I was failing him? Savanna was so easy. He was NOT! I took him to the pediatrician about 100 times and he always checked out fine. But I knew something was not right. Then I took him to an ENT and they checked his ears. Poor kid had a ton of fluid on his ears. And every time he laid down to sleep, the pressure would build and he would hurt. We got tubes put in, and that night he SLEPT ALL NIGHT LONG! That was the first night in 15 months that I got over 3 hours of sleep! I was so HAPPY! I wasn't a failure. He was in pain. PHEW! Little guy is still as stubborn as the day he was born though. And he still crys when you are in the car for long periods of time. He does NOT like to be confined to a small space for long. But what a good, hard working kid he is! Once OakLeigh was born, I felt like I could be an ok mom. She was a very good tempered baby. Then she got mobile and she hasn't stopped moving since! She is always on the go go go. Her little brain never slows down, her body never slows down. Her mouth never stops talking. Then all of a sudden at night, she crashes. She doesn't move for the next 10 hours and then we start all over again the next day. When I delivered Steven, it was a very sad time for me. I LOVE all my children with all my heart and soul. When I learned that he had passed away in the womb, I lost a part of myself. I asked myself over and over what I did wrong? What could I have done differently? And the agonizing answer is, NOTHING. His time on earth wasn't in his plan. As much as I ache to hold him, as much as I hurt because he is missing from our family here on earth, I know that the plan for him is perfect and one day I will hold him. One day I will be able to walk with him and talk with him. The day I kissed him goodbye was a very hard day, but I also received peace and a COMPLETE reassurance that all would be well. That it was not my fault as a mother. That as HIS mother I actually did my job. I carried his sweet little body for as long as our Heavenly Father deemed necessary for his mission. And that is what gets me through the hard days when I miss him. I don't think anyone can ever understand unless they have lost a baby or been through a similar situation. Even though he didn't breath on this earth, he is still my sweet little boy. He is still my son. He is a HUGE part of me, and I, as his MOMMY, will love him unconditionally forever, here on earth or not. Just as I love my other children. Our sweet little Memphis came to us at such a critical time in our lives. Heavenly Father had it planned just right. (Hmm, imagine that? He does know what is best when it is best :) Memphis literally brings a smile to EVERYONE'S FACE! He is a happy boy. He is a joy to the whole house. He can make dramatic Savanna stop and smile. He can make stubborn Weylon stop whining (yes we do call him Whiney WEYMORE FOR A REASON) and smile and play. He can stop OakLeigh from running wild, slow down and give him a hug and kiss. He can bring Brandon and I out of a low day and help us smile, enjoy life. Each of my children play a vital role in my life. I am mom. I don't really identify as anyone else. Sometimes I get low and feel like I am a maid, a nurse, a teacher, well mostly a maid. Mother is a very demanding job. Some days I would love to run away. Take some time to just sit on the porcelin throne ALONE. Take a 5 minute shower ALONE. Get dressed without 4 kids (and a husband :) barging in. But at the end of the day, I WOULDN'T TRADE THIS ROLE AS A MOTHER FOR ANYTHING ELSE. I wouldn't be happy as anything else. I wouldn't be who I am with out my sweet children to remind me of who I am every day. I recently read an article about Christlike Mothering by Rachel Hixon. It hit me like a bag of bricks. The artile talks about "The Mother's Atonement." I am going to put a couple quotes in here from that article..."All that He did and all that He was in His life pointed us to understand the true nature of His Father, our Father. The glory was to be pointed there. It was never about Him. He swept up the crumbs, mended the broken, and made no comment or had any thought as to who was responsible. He cleaned up our messes infinitely with the perfect love of the Father, so that we could come to know Him. My job as a mother is to point them to the Savior, who will then point them to the Father. Christlike mothering isn't about what I've done for them. It's about what heart I did it with. When I show my children who He is through my actions and my heart, then, and only then, can I consider the mother's Atonement applicable to me. Only then do I feel like I am participating in christlike mothering." Wow!~ SERIOSLY! I have the GREATEST role here on earth. I get to be the mother of the most wonderful children. I have the opportunity to love and teach as Christ did. I have been given this divine role. And can love and DO LOVE my children as our Heavenly Father loves us as his children. I need to remember that I don't need a thanks, I dont need acknowledgement. I am their mother because my Heavenly Father trusted me to do this. He trusted me to be their mother. And that is enough for me. I love my babies with all my heart and soul. I can see part of me and Brandon in each one. And they actually teach me more than I could ever teach them. So reflecting back to my "FANTASIES AND DREAMS" of being a mother are funny. My kids are not perfect. We have our moments that we should probably be caged. We are the row at church people avoid sitting by. But I am happy. I am trying. My role as a mother is much better than I could have ever imagined it being. It is not perfect, we have bad days. And I am glad for that because we know how to appreciate the good. I am so thankful to be a mom. I also think of my mom. We still talk 2 or 3 times a day. I call her for reassurance. We complain to each other about the daily happenings of life. But I couldn't ask for a better mom for me. She is not only my mom but my best friend. I don't know what I would do without her. I have to go to SLC the end of may and have iodine radiation. I will be there from May 27th through June 3rd. And I knew without a doubt, that all I had to was say the word and my mom would be here for us. She will drop anything for any of her children. I understand her pains and worries now that I am a mother. But I am so thankful that she is here for me whenever. I am so thankful that she will always be there to give me the kind, reassuring love that I still need, even as a 37 year old mother now. When I first got married it drove Brandon nuts that mom called me all the time or I called her. But he is used to it now. And if I haven't talked to her in the day, he always asks, "is your mom ok? You haven't talked to her today. You better call and make sure everything is ok over there." Thanks mom for always being there for me. For giving me "the talk" when I needed it. For giving me unconditional love through all my decisions I have made in my life. I have so many moms in my life that I will never be able to thank enough. Granny, Grandma, Momo, Aunt Betsy, Thelma Jo, Beth Bluemel just to name a few. Some days, I pick up my phone still to call Granny. She passed away several months ago, and I can still hear her sweet voice. I can still hear her telling me how a real lady should act. I can still feel her love. I can still hear my Aunt Betsy calmly teaching me how to drive stick shift. I can hear her laughing at me and telling me I really shouldn't be dating a particular boy I was dating. I can still hear Momo telling us how we should behave. That we shouldn't be, in her loving words, "LITTLE Sh$@$%..." Grandma Felkins, was there when I got my wedding dress fitted. She, not being a member, drove with Aunt Shirley to Utah from Colorado to sit outside the temple to be there for me. That meant so much to me. That, even though she couldn't go in, waited outside and still showed her love and support. Beth, I miss her cackle laugh. I can still remember her sitting down with Em and I crafting the day away. She didn't care about the HUGE mess we made. She made her own right along with us and gave pointers to help us along. Thelma JO, will always be momma Jo to all of us. She loves us enough to give us the what for, when no one else dares. She will drop anything at anytime if we asked. She has been to all of our weddings, all of our graduations, even a few big sporting events for high school, countless rodeos for her family, mission farewells and returns. Thank you to all of my MOMS in my life. I couldn't name you all, or all the things you have done for me and the great influences you have all been to me. I am very blessed. Happy Mothers Day!