October 2012

October has been a hard month. A month of sorrow and sadness but also a month of reflection. I was able to go visit my family in New Mexico and even though it was a rushed trip, it was so nice to be together with all of those that could make it to Granny's funeral. October has been a month of memories and reminiscing. I love to think about all the good times. Well today as I was thinking I came across a story of a guy I went to high school with. We weren't really friends. He was in Chris and Tom's class. His brother was in my class. Anyways, you hear about such a heartbreaking story as his and it really puts your own life into perspective. It really makes you stop and appreciate all that you have. Here is the story..."Phil and Cheri Hansen's 9 year old son Hunter was diagnosed with leukemia (AML), he went through treatments, but unfortunately his cancer returned. He was then told he would need a bone marrow transplant to rid his body of cancer again. On September 18th 2012, while he was still at Primary Children's Hospital recovering from his transplant, his mother suddenly passed away from a heart attack. As if that isn't enough.. the family learned that Hunter's cancer is back for a second time and there is nothing more the Doctors can do for him. They told his father (who also lost a baby girl 12 years ago) to take Hunter back home to Wyoming and make him comfortable while he lives out his last days on earth. Hunter is old enough to understand what is happening to him and he is still mourning the loss of his beloved mother who he will soon be joining in heaven. It is just beyond heartbreaking." This story just breaks my heart. It makes me want to drop immediately to my knees and 1st thank my Father in Heaven for all my blessings. Thank Him that my babies are all healthy. That Brandon and I, are able to be with them on this earth life still. I want to pray for a miracle for this family. I know that Thy Will Be Done though. I pray that this family can accept it and can somehow find a way to go on. I can't even imagine the strength of this father. I don't know that I could find the strength to go on after losing my wife and knowing my son was going to pass on in the next few weeks. Makes me so thankful for the Atonement. For the plan of salvation. Makes me so very thankful that we CAN be an ETERNAL family. It gives me the push to keep going. To try harder. To love harder. To forgive more.

I have a box I was given at the hospital when we lost our little Steven. In the box there is a packet of pictures the nurses took of Steven. A baby outfit the hospital gives you. But it was beyond TOO BIG for his tiny little body. And a little gold chain with a tiny ring on it. I was looking through this after Granny died and I got an overwhelming feeling of peace. Sometimes I beat myself up over his death. I wonder what I did wrong. I wonder if I had only.......he could be here with us today. But that day, I was given a feeling of peace. And OakLeigh said to me, "mom, isn't it so neat that Granny is in heaven now?" I told her I was so glad for Granny to be in heaven now because she wasn't hurting anymore and she could feel free. She said, "ya, but Granny gets to sit in heaven and hold our Steven for you." And I was able to FEEL that peace. I was able to FEEL the Atonement working for me. What a wonderful feeling of peace and love. I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for letting me feel such warmth and love. It literally was like a blanket wrapped around my shoulders.

Now on a funnier note. I have to tell on my dad. So when Granny went into the hospital, mom had a candle jar thing full of caramel looking wax. It wasn't caramel though. And she put it in one of the extra bedrooms on top of the desk. And she said she kind of thought she should mention to dad that it was wax, but thought against it cause she didn't think he would go into that room anyway. Well after we all left and it was just mom and dad home, dad walks into her room with the jar of wax and he is chewing. He says, "this isn't caramel is it?" Mom started laughing. She tells him it is wax. He keeps chewing and says, "I thought so. It doesn't taste very good." HAHA all this as he has little strings of wax hanging off his beard. Still makes me laugh even as I type it and re-read it several times. Thanks dad for always making us laugh!